Day Eight

Hi.

On the heart issue: I have just had a longterm EKG strapped to my chest to record how my heart behaves over the course of a normal day. I have not heard back from them yet, but I'm hoping they will found out *something*.

In other news:
Last night I was watching TV with my sister Grace and around 2am we decided to call it a night (I'm still on Christmas vacation). We ended up talking through a load of emotional and mental stuff... We were up until 4.30am talking... The conversation resulted in me telling her that I know most of the things I need to get better. I know I have to make decisions and choices and I know that my family and friends and family love me and support me, but I had to explain to her that it didn't make a difference and that talking - no insisting on it - actually made me feel horrible, because I feel like I'm being ungrateful to them. She said that if I felt bad about talking, I should just tell people to shut the fuck up, but I tried explaining that talking is good, but I will reach a point in a conversation where I just can't handle more words of comfort. So she came up with a signal. First she suggested coming up with a safeword, but I told her that when that point is reached, I am too choked up to say anything, so she suggested that when I stop trying to answer, when I stop opening my mouth, drawing in breath to form words, she would give me a look, so I could make her understand that I was done. I hope this will work out...

Til next time
x

Day Seven

Here.

A life sign.

It's getting harder and harder to write down how I'm feeling...

Christmas wasn't great... I got presents that I should probably have been happy and grateful for, but I just couldn't be...

Also my heart is doing weird stuff and all the doctors can tell me is that it's neither Diabetes, nor a lung embolism, which is good, but still... No idea why I get exhausted after walking just 50yards...

Anyhow...

Til the next time

x

Day Six

Yesterday I had a breakdown.

My family caught a glimpse at how I'm feeling.

I was sitting on the sofa, telling my sister about how I needed to get something from the next room, but I couldn't get up to get it. After a minute or so, I couldn't even talk anymore. I just started crying.

Then I couldn't stop for the next hour and a half.

I couldn't move. I couldn't talk. I could only cry. And every single time someone asked me a question - which I couldn't answer or react to - it made me all the more frustrated.

I just sat there and all I could do was to bare myself. Everyone was freaked out and overwhelmed with the situation.

I hated it, but it made it clearer once more that I have issues they can't begin to understand, much less fix...

Til the next time
x

Day Five

I've said how I need to feel a little less than shit to write down how I feel, which is why I haven't said anything in a while... Before anyone goes cheering. I'm actually not feeling less than shit. I'm currently feeling worse than shit. I've had it a couple times before... But it's still very new.

I feel like nothing. I feel like I'm not worth the air I'm breathing, like I'm not worth the love and support I get from my family and friends. They try so hard to make my life as good as they can, but the problem is, they can't do anything about it.

Part of me just wants to show them how bad it really is. Part of me just wants them to see that they can't help. Just so I can stop trying. So they can stop trying. It's all in vain... I don't want them wasting their goodness on me. It's not gonna help. The only person who can help me is myself. But I don't even know if I want that anymore...

I'm not saying I want to die. I don't. I'm way too much of a coward. But I just don't have the strength to try anymore.

Part of me wants them to see how bad it is, so that I can just let go of all the things that weigh me down. So I can stop trying to be a grown up. All I want is for the world to feel real again. To make sense.

This can't be how it's supposed to be. This is crap. I'm in my mid-twenties, I have no idea what I want, I'm too scared to move out of my parents' home... But that doesn't matter, because I still haven't managed to earn any money, which means I'd be stuck here anyway. I am so close to finishing this training in education, which I know isn't gonna be what I'll do for a living. I am just going to do this and then I'll train for a different job until I realise I can't do that one either and it'll just go on like that until I'm too old to get a job and noone'll grant me any kind of financial support, because I never worked, so I haven't earned it.

I just want to be able to live at my pace. Everything is too fast. I feel like a character in the Sims. An hour goes by in a minute, but I still need at least fifteen minutes to complete a task... Meaning fifteen hours. If that's how my life is going, I don't know how long it'll last before I burn up. Where do the days go, if any normal task could take hours to be completed when it should be taking minutes?

I don't know what to do.

Til the next time
x

Day Four

Just giving you a life sign... I just can't be bothered to write... Feeling too shitty.

x

Day Three

Feeling shitty, so no talky post. Here, have a poem.

Blank.
Like a tank
That needs filling up
As you try digging up
The will
To thank
Whatever thrill
Tries to fill
The void in your head.

White.
And bright
Is the page looking up
As you try choking up
What you got
To write
Whatever thought
Would have fought
The weight of your dread.

Black.
Is the lack
Of feels bubbling up
And the fear doubling up
That tries
To whack
Whatever flies
Behind your eyes
And poisons like lead.

I wrote this and I realise that there are a handful of people who might somehow stumble over this, read it, recognise it and know who I am. In that case, I ask you to keep it to yourself. Thank you.

Day Two

I wanna talk about visitation.

I have an issue with people inviting me over, because I have a feeling that lots of people in my surrounding are absolutely fine with me coming over to see them, but most of them have never once moved to come to my house... There are two reasons why this bothers me so I will write this post accordingly.

The first reason is:
It kind of makes me feel like they like having me as a friend, but as soon as it comes to making an effort on their side, it's too much to ask. I live near the border between two different countries, so for most of my friends my home country is a foreign land and it also means that their public transport tickets aren't worth anything and they have to pay separately for every single trip beyond the border, to an extent I can understand, that this isn't great for them. The thing is, that if one of those friends were to travel to the border, stay on their side, I would come to pick them up with my parents by car... So who cares about extra costs?! Still lots of people I am very good friends with and whom I appreciate greatly, have never been to my house... It makes me wonder why that is...

The second reason is:
I don't like being in strange surroundings. Namely other people's homes... I love seeing my friends and I have fun with them, but invading the privacy of their home makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I get really nervous and to be honest I've cancelled plans to visit friends due to stomach pains because of it. Because when i say it makes me uncomfortable, I don't mean "I'd rather be at home" I mean the very thought of leaving my house to go to this strange place makes me sick. I have had this issue plenty of times. Just this month I've cancelled my attending a friend's birthday party because the thought of taking several trains I've never taken before all on my own, made my stomach cramp up in knots. It's not me chickening out, I literally got sick out of anxiety. The friend - let's call her Ashley - doesn't know this. I only told her the being-sick part, not the anxiety part. She knows about my mental health not being the best, but I didn't want her to feel bad about asking me to come over... One exception is my best friend. Let's call him Jacob. I've visited Jacob last summer for the first time. I'd known and talked to him for nearly three years through twitter and other social media. I was extremely nervous and I'll be honest, I nearly cancelled the trip again. The reason why I still went, is simply because my mum had booked the tickets in advance, so I swallowed my anxiety and went anyway. Because in some rare cases I can do that. This was one of those cases, because meeting Jacob weighed more than the three hour long bus journey on my own... So far, no big exception here... The exception happened later. I stayed at Jacob's home for four nights with his parents. His dad was kind of odd to me and I didn't quite know how to interact with him. However the mother and sister were absolutely lovable. I felt genuinely welcomed in that household. And I am glad for it, because there would have been no way for me to go back home early...

So I guess the conclusion here is that I am half a hermit. The staying at home part... Not the alone part, I can't stand being alone... So I want my friends to come and see me... And I know that it is in no way their fault that I react in this way and that they shouldn't feel guilty, but a small part of me feels hurt whenever someone invites me over for the third time after having cancelled coming to my home five times in a row...

I have two friends, for the sake of simplicity I'll call them Jodi and Eleanor, who have actually been to my house more often than I have been to theirs and I love them deeply for that.

Anyhow... That's it for now... Til next time
x

Disclaimer:
Names and genders are entirely fictional to respect the privacy of the people that served as models.

PS: I just stumbled over this article thing and it sort of fit... So here you go, it's about the 16personalities, namely the Advocate (INFJ) type in children.