Day Eight

Hi.

On the heart issue: I have just had a longterm EKG strapped to my chest to record how my heart behaves over the course of a normal day. I have not heard back from them yet, but I'm hoping they will found out *something*.

In other news:
Last night I was watching TV with my sister Grace and around 2am we decided to call it a night (I'm still on Christmas vacation). We ended up talking through a load of emotional and mental stuff... We were up until 4.30am talking... The conversation resulted in me telling her that I know most of the things I need to get better. I know I have to make decisions and choices and I know that my family and friends and family love me and support me, but I had to explain to her that it didn't make a difference and that talking - no insisting on it - actually made me feel horrible, because I feel like I'm being ungrateful to them. She said that if I felt bad about talking, I should just tell people to shut the fuck up, but I tried explaining that talking is good, but I will reach a point in a conversation where I just can't handle more words of comfort. So she came up with a signal. First she suggested coming up with a safeword, but I told her that when that point is reached, I am too choked up to say anything, so she suggested that when I stop trying to answer, when I stop opening my mouth, drawing in breath to form words, she would give me a look, so I could make her understand that I was done. I hope this will work out...

Til next time
x