Day Two

I wanna talk about visitation.

I have an issue with people inviting me over, because I have a feeling that lots of people in my surrounding are absolutely fine with me coming over to see them, but most of them have never once moved to come to my house... There are two reasons why this bothers me so I will write this post accordingly.

The first reason is:
It kind of makes me feel like they like having me as a friend, but as soon as it comes to making an effort on their side, it's too much to ask. I live near the border between two different countries, so for most of my friends my home country is a foreign land and it also means that their public transport tickets aren't worth anything and they have to pay separately for every single trip beyond the border, to an extent I can understand, that this isn't great for them. The thing is, that if one of those friends were to travel to the border, stay on their side, I would come to pick them up with my parents by car... So who cares about extra costs?! Still lots of people I am very good friends with and whom I appreciate greatly, have never been to my house... It makes me wonder why that is...

The second reason is:
I don't like being in strange surroundings. Namely other people's homes... I love seeing my friends and I have fun with them, but invading the privacy of their home makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I get really nervous and to be honest I've cancelled plans to visit friends due to stomach pains because of it. Because when i say it makes me uncomfortable, I don't mean "I'd rather be at home" I mean the very thought of leaving my house to go to this strange place makes me sick. I have had this issue plenty of times. Just this month I've cancelled my attending a friend's birthday party because the thought of taking several trains I've never taken before all on my own, made my stomach cramp up in knots. It's not me chickening out, I literally got sick out of anxiety. The friend - let's call her Ashley - doesn't know this. I only told her the being-sick part, not the anxiety part. She knows about my mental health not being the best, but I didn't want her to feel bad about asking me to come over... One exception is my best friend. Let's call him Jacob. I've visited Jacob last summer for the first time. I'd known and talked to him for nearly three years through twitter and other social media. I was extremely nervous and I'll be honest, I nearly cancelled the trip again. The reason why I still went, is simply because my mum had booked the tickets in advance, so I swallowed my anxiety and went anyway. Because in some rare cases I can do that. This was one of those cases, because meeting Jacob weighed more than the three hour long bus journey on my own... So far, no big exception here... The exception happened later. I stayed at Jacob's home for four nights with his parents. His dad was kind of odd to me and I didn't quite know how to interact with him. However the mother and sister were absolutely lovable. I felt genuinely welcomed in that household. And I am glad for it, because there would have been no way for me to go back home early...

So I guess the conclusion here is that I am half a hermit. The staying at home part... Not the alone part, I can't stand being alone... So I want my friends to come and see me... And I know that it is in no way their fault that I react in this way and that they shouldn't feel guilty, but a small part of me feels hurt whenever someone invites me over for the third time after having cancelled coming to my home five times in a row...

I have two friends, for the sake of simplicity I'll call them Jodi and Eleanor, who have actually been to my house more often than I have been to theirs and I love them deeply for that.

Anyhow... That's it for now... Til next time
x

Disclaimer:
Names and genders are entirely fictional to respect the privacy of the people that served as models.

PS: I just stumbled over this article thing and it sort of fit... So here you go, it's about the 16personalities, namely the Advocate (INFJ) type in children.