Day Five

I've said how I need to feel a little less than shit to write down how I feel, which is why I haven't said anything in a while... Before anyone goes cheering. I'm actually not feeling less than shit. I'm currently feeling worse than shit. I've had it a couple times before... But it's still very new.

I feel like nothing. I feel like I'm not worth the air I'm breathing, like I'm not worth the love and support I get from my family and friends. They try so hard to make my life as good as they can, but the problem is, they can't do anything about it.

Part of me just wants to show them how bad it really is. Part of me just wants them to see that they can't help. Just so I can stop trying. So they can stop trying. It's all in vain... I don't want them wasting their goodness on me. It's not gonna help. The only person who can help me is myself. But I don't even know if I want that anymore...

I'm not saying I want to die. I don't. I'm way too much of a coward. But I just don't have the strength to try anymore.

Part of me wants them to see how bad it is, so that I can just let go of all the things that weigh me down. So I can stop trying to be a grown up. All I want is for the world to feel real again. To make sense.

This can't be how it's supposed to be. This is crap. I'm in my mid-twenties, I have no idea what I want, I'm too scared to move out of my parents' home... But that doesn't matter, because I still haven't managed to earn any money, which means I'd be stuck here anyway. I am so close to finishing this training in education, which I know isn't gonna be what I'll do for a living. I am just going to do this and then I'll train for a different job until I realise I can't do that one either and it'll just go on like that until I'm too old to get a job and noone'll grant me any kind of financial support, because I never worked, so I haven't earned it.

I just want to be able to live at my pace. Everything is too fast. I feel like a character in the Sims. An hour goes by in a minute, but I still need at least fifteen minutes to complete a task... Meaning fifteen hours. If that's how my life is going, I don't know how long it'll last before I burn up. Where do the days go, if any normal task could take hours to be completed when it should be taking minutes?

I don't know what to do.

Til the next time
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